a letter to my body

Dear Body,

Seriously, what's your malfunction? 

I realize I don't always eat what I should, and I realize I don't always give you the right amount of sleep you require. I understand that you are currently dehydrated and "out of shape" so to speak, but come on now! I'm relatively healthy! There's no need to be cruel!

So I've been stressed out lately, so what? I've been stressed out before! There are some people who live with a constant level of stress in their day to day lives and they don't end up like me. Here I thought things were getting better and things were calming down, and then you decide to go and get all fucked up. REAL mature. 

I'm not 100% sure what's currently wrong with you, Stomach, but the doctor seemed to think it was gastric ulcers which may or may not be chronic. I've been taking the medication that was supposed to help me within a couple of days and as of a week later, they still don't seem to be helping. I wish you could just tell me what was wrong, Stomach. Not knowing what's really wrong is worrisome as the medication should be working. It only leads me to believe that there is something more serious or something completely different happening down there causing me so much pain. Why can't I figure this out? 

And on top of that, Throat you son of a bitch, YOU decide to get sore and make my voice sound all fucked up! Don't you know I'm already terrified of eating, because that already upsets Stomach? Now you have to make it physically painful to swallow too? You selfish little SOB. I guess you needed some attention too. 

So, dear Body, I ask you again, WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION?

Sincerely, 

I hate you right now. 

what has become of our future

I always heard about how big of an influence sex and feeling grown up is in the media, but it never really hit me just how fast kids are growing up these days until I heard it coming out of the mouths of two of my family members.

I'm scared. Literally scared for our future. I'm scared for the parents and children mostly.

Now, I consider myself to be a pretty modern 20 year old girl. I'm always on my smartphone and laptop, checking up on Facebook, and prefer to email or text instead of call people. Back when I was 12 or 13 though, I was a total noob, and I can safely admit that. I was computer illiterate other than when it came to looking stuff up on Google, didn't know how to text or send emails, and could barely work a digital camera. I didn't know what all the dirty slang words were, and I was lucky if I could get a guy to hold hands with me.

Kids these days scare the hell out of me.

The other day I was at my moms house and my 13 year old sister (8th grade) and my 14 year old cousin (9th grade) were chatting on the couch. I couldn't help but overhear what they were talking about.

BJ's. The clap. 69. A "hummer". Sexting. Abortions. Smoking blunts. Showing up drunk. Apparently this all came up at cheerleading tryouts (I'll let you guys draw your own conclusions from that).

Now, let's make a comparison to the things I used to talk about when I was 13.

Pokemon. Cartoons. Drawing. Swimming. So-and-so was holding hands with so-and-so. New shoes. THAT'S ABOUT IT.

What has happened to our future generations?! They're going to end up making shows called 9 years old and pregnant, the average age of parents is going to be 15, high school graduation rates are going to plummet, STD's are going to be on the rise, we'll have to start putting 5 year olds on the pill and drug dealers are gonna start selling crack to 8 year olds!

My sister was telling me about this one off and on friend she has who has shown up drunk to community dances, steals her 19 year old sister's ID to sneak into the seedy clubs we have downtown, has given 3 different guys blow jobs, has had sex with those 3 guys, and has smoked weed. And she hasn't even graduated ELEMENTARY SCHOOL yet. This girl has done more than me! The real kicker is when of the other kids in her class found out and asked her why at 13 years old she was doing all this, her only defense was "Fuck you, I'm FOURTEEN!" Apparently that one year suddenly makes it better, somehow.

The first thought that crossed my mind was "Where are this girls parents!?" because you're a product of your environment. I don't care what other explanations you have for it dear readers, but you are. There are exceptions to every rule, where sometimes people escape bad home life situations and turn their life around, and people can just as easily do the opposite and take a turn for the worse. With the stories I've encountered though, kids will almost always grow up to be just like their parents. If you grow up with your parents never being around, being drunk all the time and don't bother to check if you did your homework, do you really think an unsupervised kid is going to do their science project? Of course not. It's sad but true. I don't know where this girls parents are at, but I can pretty well guarantee they have no clue what she's doing. She must be looking for some sort of attention or validation that she isn't getting at home, so she has to reach out for other people to give her attention - even if all they want is a BJ.

The real question still remains though, who is REALLY to blame?

xo
Lucky

how do you break up with a friend?

Hello fellow bloggers, my apologies that I have been neglecting you as of late. I've had a lot on my plate with school finishing up, moving back home for the summer and looking for a job. Please forgive me :)

Anyways, do you remember the friend I ranted about here: if you don't change the process, you won't change the outcome? Well, it appears she's back doing her usual whining and I'm starting to lose my hair again.

Throughout the past 6 months or so while I've been at school 6 hours away, she's apparently taken a mental and emotional turn for the worse. She's never been one to go out and party when she isn't feeling up to it (and no exaggeration - she's NEVER feeling up to it), but will then sit and complain that no one invites her out anymore. All she does is complain that she has no life, no one cares about her, she has no friends etc., yet will never get her ass off the couch to change that. She never puts herself out there. I look at her Facebook and people used to always comment on her depressing status updates asking her what's wrong, but she would never reply. She updates her status at least 3 times a day everyday and they're always depressing. No one bothers to ask anymore  because she never elaborates on what's wrong or she flat out says it's none of their business and they're "insensitive for asking". Nothing pleases her, and her friends, including myself have realized that and just don't bother anymore. There's no point. It almost seems like she enjoys throwing herself these pity parties, just trying to get attention.

Anyways, for the past 6 months all I've been able to do is text her or call her when she's upset because she will never message me first. Most of the time, my messages go unanswered because she's doing whatever, but on the odd occasion she did answer, I'd stay up with her til 6 am (when I have classes and tests the next day) just so she would feel better. If she did happen to text me, I'd get up at all hours to talk to her so she wouldn't be so upset or feel so alone. She would tell me about how no one cares or invites her out anymore and I really felt bad for her. I'd stay up for hours talking her up and telling her everything would be okay. I did the very best I possibly could to be there for her when I simply couldn't drive all the way home. I was the very best friend I could be to her, and I stand by that.

Then I got a slap in the face.

About a week or so ago, she wrote off a rant on Facebook about how everyone's a bunch of jerks because "she's such a great friend and will do whatever if a friend needs her, but no one will ever do that for her. No one." She said no one. No one includes me.

So I commented on it saying that I try texting her all the time, I would have been sitting there with her letting her cry on my shoulder if I was home, and how I thought it was really unfair to lump me into the group of everyone else who let's her down. While I was waiting for her response, I was sure she just quickly typed out her angry feelings and didn't mean to include me - she was just angry. What she replied actually somewhat hurt me. She didn't apologize or even say that she didn't mean to include me. She actually defended that she doesn't always get my messages when I send them if at all and doesn't know I sent them (even though if she doesn't text me back I usually send her a message on Facebook asking if she got them). I guess I don't count.

A few minutes later, another girl commented on the note calling my friend out on it. She said that my friend might as well tag the people she's aiming her anger at because blasting someone on Facebook behind people's backs is rude and she isn't as great of a friend as she says she is if she would do something like that. She explained to her that people have lives outside of my friend's drama and that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Within minutes her comments were deleted, and my friend updated her status to how ignorant people can be and how she isn't entitled to any feelings or expressing them. Apparently she forgot that she's not the only one entitled to having feelings and expressing them, because if you feel like you're being personally attacked, you're going to defend yourself.

Watching all of this go down and seeing that I clearly wasn't the only "friend" my friend was mad at, I started questioning how many people she was actually talking to about her problems and how many other people she was telling she had no friends. Clearly I wasn't her only friend, as she made me believe and I guarantee that she was telling all these other people that they were her only friend as well. Then I started piecing the other parts together. I came to the conclusion that she had other friends who she would cry to about her problems, and when they were either too busy or didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, that's when she would talk to me. I was a last resort because she knew I felt sorry for her and would tell her all the nice things she was looking for. I was a sucker and I totally fell for it.

It's more clear to me than ever before that I meant nothing to this girl, I was just a stand in for a friend when all the other people she clearly likes more than me were too busy. Why else would someone who is so upset and ranting that no one talks to her wait so long to talk to me? You'd think if you were that depressed and wanted someone to talk to so badly, you'd go to your real friends first. Then you'd talk to whoever would listen. That's exactly what she did.

I don't want to deal with this girl anymore. I have REAL friends that I can give my time, attention and friendship to. I don't need to waste any more time being a substitute for this girl. I have people in my life that truly appreciate the efforts and lengths I go to to make them happy and have a good time. So my question is, how do you break up with a friend? Especially one as dramatic as this one.

I'm going to do it gradually. I'm not going to text her anymore. I'm not going to invite her out anymore (because she would never come anyway). If I need to speak to her, I'll do it informally on Facebook. If I see her out somewhere, I'll be civil, but not overly friendly. Slowly but surely, communication will cease all together.

I'm finally standing up for myself.

I'm not going to be her doormat anymore.

xo
Lucky

"when it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. if they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them."

Seriously, what is wrong with older generations these days and their beef with tattoos? Is it just because during the times they grew up in, ink was for "sailors and whores"? Is it because of their religious beliefs? Is it because of the way they were raised? Or is there more to it then that?

First, let's break down some facts:

"Thirty-six percent of those ages 18 to 25, and 40 percent of those ages 26 to 40, have at least one tattoo, according to a fall 2006 survey by the Pew Research Center.

The National Geographic News stated in April 2000 that 15% of Americans were tattooed (or approximately 40 million people!)

Esquire Magazine estimated in March 2002 that 1 in 8 Americans was tattooed.

According to the American Society of Dermatological Surgery, they stated in 2005, that of all the people they treat with laser and light therapy, only only 6% are getting a tattoo removed.

Harris Poll, 2003, estimates that fully 36% of those aged 25-29 have one or more tattoos.

A 2006 a study done by the  Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology found that 24% of Americans between 18 and 50 are tattooed; that’s almost one in four. And the survey showed that about 36% of Americans age 18 to 29 have at least one tattoo."

http://www.borntoride.com/new/wordpress/2009/05/11/tattoo-facts-statistics/

Due to those stats being what they are, it's plain to see they're becoming more and more socially and culturally acceptable and those numbers will only grow with time. Hopefully, with my generation growing up and moving up the corporate ladder, people with more body mods will soon be in positions of hiring and soon enough it's going to be commonplace for tattoos and piercings to be seen in the work force.

However, that doesn't really help the young and inked who are getting lectures from old farts on a daily basis now. I want to know why they think it's their place to question my decisions and the decisions of millions of others just like me. What do they really think they're going to accomplish by telling me AFTER THE TATTOO HAS BEEN DONE? It's there. It's not coming off.

I've had just about every different reason thrown at me by complete strangers as to why my tattoos have ruined my life:

"They're unsafe. You won't get a job. That's a sin. You're going to Hell. They're dirty. You'd look so much prettier without one. Good luck finding a man who will want you now. How are you ever going to make a living? No one wants to see that. That's so un-lady like."

Honestly folks, those are real comments I've gotten. I got so sick of it, I told a few of the people off. Why would they ever think it's ok to go up to a complete stranger and tell them no one will ever love them? The only reason I can come up with is because they're miserable and bitter and just want to make someone feel as bad as they do,. Maybe they're trying to find a way to make themselves feel better. Who really knows. All I know is I could never and would never go up to someone and say something like that.

Sure, I have tattoos. Sure, some are big. Sure, some are visible. But I have class. I have manners. I have common fuckin' courtesy and you're damn right I would never disrespect somebody like that. There's no excuse for ignorance and there's no excuse for intolerance. For fucks sakes it's 2011! Get with the times people! It's not the 50's anymore! The world has changed!

I'm not the kind of person to shove my beliefs down anyone's throats, but didn't their Mama ever teach them "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

It's completely unfair to label anyone before getting to know them, and tattoos are no different. All people see when they look at me is a girl with tattoos and piercings. They don't see the girl that loves to read, the girl that loves to write, the girl that doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs. They don't bother to get to know me just because I have beautiful pieces or art on my body and their tiny, stereotypical brains can't fathom that I actually have something to offer.

But whatever, because "When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them." - Marilyn Monroe

xo
Lucky

wow i wish i could be as cool as you

Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is up with a lot of girls these days. They think if they take interest in "mature" things, all of a sudden they're adults and better than everyone else they talk to. I've discovered there's 2 main categories these girls fall into: The "Lady" and The "Non-conformist".


The "Lady": Oh, you like pearls? Wow you're so cool. You like to drink wine instead of beer? God, you're one in a million. You wear lipstick instead of lip gloss? Stop the presses.


I have no problem with people expressing their individuality. Truthfully, I like all of those things I just listed too. Difference is though, I don't shove it down everyones throat or go around boasting that I went to a tea house with my girlfriends last weekend because we're so fuckin' classy.


Honestly girls. Do you think you're the only one that's like you? No, there's a million other girls that like the same things you do, and frankly they do it better. That listen to the same music you do. That like the same style of clothing you do. You probably just don't notice because they're not jumping up and down screaming it in people's faces like you do.


I know this girl who is so Goddamn full of herself that I just want to punch her. She had a kid at 18 and thinks she's a full grown woman. Her "About Me" section on her blogs and sites are all the same thing. "I'm extremely polite, I have perfect grammar, I have impeccable balance, I like drinking white wine, pearls and perfume, blah blah fuckin' blah."

Then we have The "Non-conformist": I'm a girl and I have an XBOX. Congrats? I play Halo and Black Ops so I can do things no other girls can do. Wow, how did you ever learn to master video games? No girl could possibly grasp such a concept! I'd rather drink Orange Crush with some guys than talk drama with girls. No girls like drama as far as I know...


What, you think that because you can hang out with guys and do "guy stuff" you're the perfect woman? You can play along with their sexist jokes because you're just so great. You'll do just about anything to be accepted by them.


I have an XBOX, and so does 80% of the rest of the population. Therefore, not a single fuck is given. It doesn't make you cooler, it doesn't make you more desirable to a guy, so why are you telling us this? Chances are when you meet people they probably already assume you have some sort of gaming system. With that logic, it's like saying "I have feet, therefore I'm superior to all other girls."

And that's all I have to say about that.

xo
Lucky

if you don't change the process, you won't change the outcome

I know I'm posting like 4 things today, but I don't even care. I need to rant about this.


I'm friends with this girl whose got wicked bad depression. She's been through a lot of shit and she doesn't really have any one to talk to about her problems, so I try to help her out as much as I can because I can relate to a certain degree and I care about her.


She's a great person, she's gorgeous, she has countless guys who would give anything to be with her and treat her right, but she can't see all that because she's been so hurt.


Anyways, she was dating this guy who surprise, surprise is a total dick. All his pictures on facebook are either him at the gym, him at the bar surrounded by girls, or him in his daddy's Chrysler 300 flashing his money. Ick. But, I didn't say anything. She was with him for about a year, and she lost her virginity to him. To say that this dude has her around his little finger is an understatement. He even started dating this chick who looked just like her after they broke up.


He would freak out on her for the smallest reasons. She would always call me crying because he takes out his frustrations on her. If he had a bad day at work or someone even LOOKED at the kid the wrong way, he would snap. I told her that this guy was no good. He was immature, and tried to play her but she wouldn't see it. She always told me that she knew the real him and he didn't mean it. Whether he meant it or not shouldn't matter. The fact of the matter is, this guy treats you like a dog and you're making excuses for him.


Anyways, they ended up breaking up eventually. He told her he could basically do better, and he left her shattered and broken. Now she's a mess and doesn't trust anyone. Deep down, she still loves the kid. She'd start to move on and really believe that he was a dick, but then he would show up at her house and take her out and all of a sudden all would be forgiven. Until a week later when I'm getting texted at 3 am that she's crying her eyes out.


I have no problem being there for a friend. Being a friend is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job and I'm totally ok with that. But when it's the same thing, day in, day out and you won't listen to my advice it gets a little frustrating.


I don't know how many different way's I've told her that he's controlling, he's a liar, he's a cheater, she should stop talking to him, whatever. But I always get the same response: "I already know that. I don't need your help."


Excuse me. YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP? So you don't mind if I turn my phone off at night then? You don't mind if I ignore your texts then? I think not.


I can't do or say anything that she apparently doesn't already know. All she does is get mad at me when I try to give her some advice. When I tell her she should delete him from everything so she won't be tempted to talk to him, she freaks out giving me some excuse how it won't help.


I'M getting stressed out about HER relationship! I can only imagine how much hair I've ripped out since I first heard about this loser. Fuck it's not even a relationship anymore! Honestly, woman, I'm doing my best here. But when I sign into my facebook and I see you commenting on how sexy he looks lifting weights, I want to puke. Then slap you. Then slap him. Then go buy a wig.


Sigh. When will you learn you can do so much better. All I can hope for is that if and when that day comes, I won't look like Dr. Phil.

xo
Lucky

i think i might be retarded - part two

In all honesty, what the fuck is the point of having someone in your life that's like that? It's not getting me anywhere. I can't tell her anything. I hardly see her. Why the fuck can't I just forget about her and move on with my life?


I know I'm stubborn as can be, but I've also "dumped" a friend for less than what she's put me through before. It just doesn't make any sense to me.


This girl has seriously done it all. Tried to get people to stop liking me, tried to get the guys I like to like her, fuck! Once she even tried to break me and my boyfriend up because she liked him!


WHAT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM?!


Seriously, I must be retarded for keeping her around. I've sat back so many nights when she cancelled on me last minute and swore to myself that I was never speaking to her again or that I was never inviting her out to anything ever again. I tried to convince myself that she was dead to me a few times I think (or maybe that was just wishful thinking?).


I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should bother telling her that the friendship is over or just not talk to her at all. (If I don't text her first, she would never talk to me *RED FLAG #4865 SHE DOESN'T CARE*.)


Ugh. Why am I so pathetic?

xo
Lucky

i think i might be retarded - part one

I think I might be retarded, but I'm not sure.


You see, I have this "friend". (You'll see why it's in quotations a little later.)

This "friend" and I have known each other since 9th grade. Considering we're now both 20, that's approximately 6 years.


We do things that normal "friends" do. Go out for lunch, go shopping, talk about boys... you get the picture. However, throughout the years, I've discovered I can't really divulge my secrets and gossip to her. Why? Because she has a mouth on her like a torn pocket. She will look me in the eye, swear to me that she will never mutter those secret words to anyone else, and then as soon as my back is turned, everything comes falling out of her mouth.


Is she malicious? Sometimes I think she can be. But lately, it seems more and more like she's genetically programmed to spill the beans like she's been injected with truth serum or something. I hate to sound like a jerk, but she's really just not all that intelligent. I mean, come on. She had to take gr. 12 applied English about 4 times before she finally passed.


It's not the book smarts that bothers me though. Some people just can't conjugate verbs. I get it. She just does really stupid shit. Like leaves her computer screen open when I'm around and I can fully see the conversation she had in secrecy with me five minutes ago, that she's now telling to 3 other people. Like, are you just that stupid? Or do you just not care?


This is where my problem sets in. Am I retarded for still talking to this broad? I seem to find myself making excuses in my mind for her stupidity, just for it to make common sense to me. Turns out though, sense isn't all that common these days.

To be continued...